little bird

little bird

i had to look twice as i happened upon you. a small body with no feathers but a heart i could see beating. neck twisted underneath i couldnt tell your movement from the ants who were consuming you. all of you was moving and not moving all at once. i leaned over you and immediately started to cry much like i am now. your little body and broken neck. could you feel every ant taking away pieces of you, were you suffocating? could you feel the pain of a broken neck? did you know you were alone? did you know you werent? you arent? i thought as fast as i could, my mind racing, how could i save you? i couldnt. what can i do? ignore you? maybe back my car out and run over you?  just pretend like you weren't there. no, how could i? do i save you even though you cant be saved little bird? i moved you to a more comfortable spot in the grass. will you suffer more there? longer? will i hurt your neck more? will you hurt more? should i have just run you over and made it all go away? i picked up your frail little naked body, trembling that i may be adding to your misery. i did. i know i did. i sat you in the grass in the shade. could you feel me? i wanted to help you little bird but i couldnt. no matter what i did you couldnt be helped. what will happen first? will you starve to death? will the ants pick you apart little by little? will your heart stop pumping blood to your broken body? should i have stepped on you? run over you? ignored you? i was alone just like you were alone. no one around to tell me what to do, how to save you. why did i notice you? were you there before? was i the problem all along? i moved you, i cried on you, i sang my sorrow to you. none of it is fair. what did you want me to do? i cried all the way home, i could feel the ants crawling on me, up my arm and on my fingertips into my hair but you are dying all the way home, im sorry little bird. I am crying all alone and you are dying all alone. tonight i shared life with you and death with you. we are connected now through time, this moment, this memory and space, that parking lot. the same parking lot i will see tomorrow and the next day and the next. it will be different now because i know you. you are with me now. and you are alone, empty and dark.i let you down. i was chosen for that moment and i failed. i am so sorry. the universe gave me a choice and i failed. im sorry little bird, i am. 

6 months ago..

I got a GoPro for Christmas and here is my first movie. It's only a minute or so long and it took me 6 months to get around to it. Maybe by Christmas I'll have a movie up from my summer. Here goes. 

Song is Oh What A Day By Ingrid Michaelson 

While running a 10k yesterday...

I was thinking about pace. It's kind of hard not to think about pace when you're running a 10k. You're aware of all the people who are running ahead of you, faster than you. You are aware of the people who are passing you, on your left and on your right. You're aware of people behind you, how many people are behind you, how far they are behind you. You are putting yourself in perspective. You're not going quite as fast as the large crowd you see turning the corner together while you're still in the middle of the first long stretch....buuuutttt you're also not as far back as all of those people behind you....so it must mean you're doing alright. The truth is.. the key to finishing the 10k for me was to find the right pace... the pace I needed in order to sustain my speed for the entirety of the race so I could finish healthily, without injury and with confidence. While I was running and thinking about the pace of the people in front of me and behind me and the pace of myself, it occurred to me that if I can find comfort in the pace I was running this race I should try and apply the same comfort in the pace in which I am living my life...which is easier said than done...but I like the idea. Another truth is while I was running this race I also (somehow) managed to pass people but some of the people who were far behind me at the beginning of the race managed to pass me at the end. I was running in a big ol' reflection of my life and the only thing that mattered to me was that I finished the race without stopping and without injury and I did just that. Mostly though, I was able to construct this new idea about living my life not just running a race. I think true happiness for me comes from living at my own pace. It may take longer for me to get to places or to accomplish goals I want to accomplish but accomplishing them quickly is not important. What is important is that I accomplish them in true genuineness..because in that sincerity is where I find the most happiness.  I can easily look back at certain instances in my life and almost instantly separate the events in which I finished hastily or settled for the sake of completion versus an event in which I paced myself and felt my way through every part of the process...almost every time I was doing things my way at my pace I was happier. 

I just want to remember that.